Deanna

Deanna is dead and I’m alive—
If that’s really what I am.
A maniac took away my reason to live,
Now my life is void.
I can’t imagine life without her,
I no longer want to try.
I haven’t slept in days—
The dreams come like demons in the night.
They haunt me.
She haunts me.

We lay her to rest today,
I don’t think I can endure it.
I can’t bear the thought of it,
Deanna is dead because of me.
My mind keeps going back to the dream,
My subconscious warned me.
I wouldn’t listen.
I could have protected her.
I should have protected her.
I should have saved her.

Her killer is out there.
Somewhere.
My hatred and my need for revenge,
Are the only things that fuel my desire to live.
I want to kill the bastard who took her from me.
I want to inflict pain and suffering beyond what any human has ever experienced.
I want the maniac’s death to be slow, agonizing,
I want him to plead with me for his own death, then deny him the satisfaction.
I want to torture him, take him to the edge of insanity, make him taste death,
Make him want it so badly that he begs me for it, then cruelly snatch it away.

He should suffer as I suffer.
He should regret ever having been born, as I do.
I’m not interested in justice,
I want revenge.
An eye for an eye.
My revenge will be the only justice acceptable to me.
I will hunt him down.
I will become the most dangerous predator he could ever imagine.
I will make him live in fear and pray for the day I finally end his miserable life,
Then I will embrace death myself.

I realize I am on a precipice—the brink of psychosis,
There is no salvation for me.
If I give into these murderous impulses,
My soul will be forfeit—I’ll be doomed to Hell for all eternity.
I’ll become a monster.
My family will be horrified.
Could I stand to see the revulsion in their eyes at the monster I’d become?
Could I be that monster?
The answer comes easily—too easily—yes.
Once I give in to the hatred and the rage that I feel—
I will be that monster!

I need to pray while I still have the ability to reason,
Pray that the monster never, ever claws his way to the surface.
I need to pray that I do not give in to this madness,
Once I release the beast, no force on earth will stop it.
God forgive me for these evil thoughts.
Save me from this temptation, this desire to kill.
My faith is uncertain—I feel forsaken and alone,
But I know I can never be alone with you in my heart.
I need you in my heart—good and evil can’t exist in the same place.
Save me.